Metallica

Metallica is without a doubt the band that is responsible for the complete destruction of heavy metal. Everything that's bad about metal (pneumatic drill-guitars, double bass thumping, black clothing, evil lyrics, devilhornsalute)  is all caused by this shitband. Don't let anybody tell you that Metallica belongs in the same league of legendary hardrock bands like Deep Purple, AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Kiss, Black Sabbath or Judas Priest. Nerdtallica never had the real heavy metal spirit. They were allways a bunch of dorks just like their fans. Just look at bands like AC/DC, Iron Maiden or  Lynyrd Skynyrd they are still the longhaired rockers they were in the past. The guys of Metallica look just as nerdy as bands like Coldplay or REM. They just miss the authentic 'dude' feel that heavy metal used to have. It's rubbish when people say that the music they made in the eighties was good and that they became bad in the nineties. They were allways bad! Right from the moment when James Hetfield and Lars Ullrich decided to form a band they sucked. All albums they made from Kill em All to Death Magnetic were crap with a special honourable mention for the incredible overated 'Master Of Puppets'. Metallica changed HEAVY metal into 'metal'. The fun party feel of hardrock got turned into the doomy suïcide atmosphere of metal.

Metallica has ruïned the straight-forward rock n roll feel that heavy rock used to have and replaced it with an uneccessary complicated approach. I think Nerdtallica thought that the simple three chord approach that HM bands used to have was corny and outdated and that you have to cram as many tempochanges, drummfills and guitarriffs into a song as possible to make your music sound more "intelligent". In reality it only makes the music sound very pretentious and overblown and only emphesizes why complexity and difficult songstructres don't belong in hardrock. It's that simplicity that makes heavy metal so effective and actually much smarter than the bombastic approach that Nerdtallica has. It's clear that Metallica influenced all those powermetal bands because bands like Blind Guardian, Dream theater, After Forever and Kamelot all have that bombastic and overblown approach. Cliff Burton is one of the most overrated bassists. He is one of these metalpunks that gets angry when people say that punk sucks and will start a discussion about it while a real hardrocker would totally agree with you. His follow-up Jason Newsted is a complete dork. He is clearly the rolemodel for all those metalnerds that you got in the 90s. So lets forget this band and go back to the type heavy metal that was popular before metallica came along and ruined everything.

 

Slayer

SLAYER RULES!! Long live Slayer! Hell yeah! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT!!! Slayer is an awfull band. Unfortunately there are a lot of fools that like this band and shout the bullshit listed above. Metallica has allready ruïned heavy metal Slayer takes it a step further. Slayer is the band that is responsible for all that morbid, satanic en hatefull metalbullshit that's nowadays the order of the day but in the past (thankfully) didn't exist. If Metallica was the precursor to metal, Slayer is the precursor to extreme metal. Or with other words; A COMPLETE UNLISTENABLE RACKET! All those moronic bands that growl, shout or scream about satan, decomposing bodies, hell and demons over a discordent wall of noise and doublebass thumping that's all because of Slayer. Now we are all stuck with all these braindead bands like Morbid Angel, Napalm Death, Sepultura, Cradle Of Filfth etc. all because of the "soothing sounds" of Slayer Its completely baffeling that Reign In Blood (Slayers magnum opus HAHAHA!!) reached nr.21 in a top 100 best records of all time list in a recent poll they did in a Dutch magazine. This just shows how ignorant people are when it comes to music. That while great heavy rock groups like AC/DC, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden are not featured. Even Led Zeppelin who normally is allways in the top 100 wasnt in it. Its unbelievable that shit-record ended higher than Jimi Hendrix. This just shows how abysmal heavy metal is nowadays. They probably did that to please the hardrockers. I guess not because any real hardrocker absolutely dispises Slayer. Unfortunately they seem to be extinct nowadays. The people who voted for Slayer in that poll are probably full-flegged card-carrying members of the Dynamo-Aardschok-Roadrunner syndicate who probably hate real heavy metal bands like Accept, Rainbow, Tygers Of Pan Tang or Motley Crue even though those acts are much smarter, tougher and interesting than the joke Slayer.

 

Hammerfall

Hammerfall is the perfect example of everything that's wrong with powermetal. It's empty, braindead, dorky, completely exchangeable and moronic sounding music. Hammerfall sounds just as faceless as that stupid knight thats on all their covers. The mascot of Hammerfall is not exactly an 'Eddie' or a 'Snaggletooth' and is completely interchangeable with all those other anonymous warriors or knights that are on the frontcovers of powermetal bands. But the most important thing is that Hammerfall has nothing and I mean nothing to do with genuine heavy metal. It's actually more anti-heavy metal. This band is totally at odds with everything that hardrock stands for. If you want to start a real hardrock band just avoid everything that Hammerfall does. Whats not very difficult because Hammerfall's music is very limited (just like all those other nerdmetal bands) and it's very easy not to have fairytale lyrics, high pitched faggot vocals, double bass thumping and emotionless compressed guitar sounds. If you leave out all these things you are allready on your way to becoming a proper heavy rock band. Ofcourse the rock-establishment doesn't want you to know that. The kind of people who write for a website like pitchfork or a magazine like NME want to give you the impression that heavy metal is stupid music and that only dorks like it. Hammerfall is ofcouse a perfect example of that. A soulless product that has been manufactured to appeal to the stupid metalcattle. Thankfully real rockers can see that this is bullshit. The problem is that they have become extinct so that Hammerfall and all those other powermetal bands have free reign to spread their awfull music. All those apathic metalnerds wont resist that kind of crap. That's why its important to tell people that there is nothing authentic about Hammerfal that they are just as modern as a piece of dogshit. Lets just hope that Hammerfall just falls from a cliff with their touringbus so that we are finally rid of them.

 

Sepultura

Sepultura are the main practitioners of 90s gorillametal. Simplistic dumbo music for thugs with uncool tattoos and army pants that are cut-of at the knees. I think its very typical that Sepultura started using all kinds jungle sounds in their music. Because they sound like a bunch of cannibals who live somewhere deep in the jungle ready to put some innocent civilians in a boiling pot of water so they can be served for dinner. A bit like the film Cannibal Holocaust a film that clearly has the Sepultura vibe. Its totally unbelievable that a band like this can become so popular. Its embarrising that a band like this gets presented as genuine heavy metal. Those guys of Sepultura dont know what that word means. I have the idea that this band has only been pushed to show that the third world also has hardrock bands not because the music they make is so special. Which only proves that playing heavy rock is something that should be left to western bands and that they should stick to carnival music in Brazil because heavy metal is something they know nothing about. The image of Sepultura is the absolute epitome of bad taste. Dreadlocks, tattoos, piercings, cut-of wide trousers and army clothing. YACH! Not exactly Don Johnson

What I dont understand is that this terrible music was played on the radio. When people rightly complained about it and said it was complete rubbish you had these morons who said that was a closeminded and unprofessional reaction. Unprofessional?!! Calling an awfull band like Sepultura complete rubbish is the high point of being professional. Pointing out that Sepultura is a terrible group is exactly what good jounalism is about. People must be aware that Sepultura and all that other NU-metal crap are shit so that they know to avoid them. But unfortunately critical thought doesnt fit into the apathic attitude that a lot of rock critics have. Politely accepting everything people tell you and shutting your mouth is the motto of the rock-elite. What I also find completely unbelievable is that people thought it was a bad thing when Max Cavalera left Sepultura to make his own version of kingkong-metal with Soulfly. A bad thing?! Max Cavelera leaving Sepultura is one of the best things that happened in rock-history. I knew that would mean the end of the band. Hurray! Glad we got rid of them. Thats a bit like James Hetfield leaving Metallica that would also mean the end of that band(unfortunately that hasnt happened yet). Max Cavelera is just one of the most faceless singers there is no different than any of those other growling metalsingers. So please stop, fuck off and never come back again.

 

White Stripes

The White Stripes are the ultimate example of everything thats wrong with modern-day hipsterrock. This is without a doubt one the most stupid, braindead bands there is. Dont be fooled by all those fake-rockers. This band isnt about musical passion or having a good time. Its all just about following fashion being trendy and hip and ofcourse earning a lot of money of all these fools that believe this band is good. Whats even worse is that the rock-elite is wants us to believe that this group makes gritty, visceral music that goes back to the essence of rock n roll. You must be kidding! That word should never be used to describe the White Stripes. All those dorks with their curly haircuts and trendy i-phones who think this is rough music should listen to the record Power Games by Jaguar or the fourth album by Head East then they will know what real rock n roll sounds like. But those losers wont listen to music thats not in their shallow i-tunes lists. They only like music that fits into a fashionable and trendy format. Better watch out or youll maybe start listening to good music and you will pose a threat to the establishment who is trying to keep this kind of phoney music in its place. The ignorant rock-cattle just follow the instructions they have been given. So please avoid this dogturd of a band and start listening to real rockacts like Vengeance, Uriah Heep, Running Wild or Aerosmith than you will get the urge to use your White Stripes cd as a frisbee.

 

Blind Gaurdian

Ladies and gentlemen do you have your warhammer doll with you, have you got your Alchemy jewelry pinned on and your knights costume that you bought at your local fantasy fair? Then lets get ready for the ultimate fairytale-metal band. The band thats responsible for all those shitty powermetal acts everybody hates. This is music that gives every real hardrocker homicidal tendencies. The music of Blind Nerdian just sounds so empty and artificial. If you would hear this music on the radio you would just want to smash it up with a hammer something they should also do with the bandmembers. Its unbelievable that such rowdy, honoust and passionate music like heavy metal used to be is replaced by such bland and whimsical drivel like Blind Guardian. But nobody really likes this music. Its pure commercial music aimed at all those naive losers that go to nerdshops to paint World Of Warcraft dolls. There has been marketing research and people have discovered that there are a big group of people who play Dungeons And Dragons or Magic cardgames and that there is a niche they can completely exploit. Blind Guardian has been specially designed for those dorks. Im sure if all those r.p.g. games would disappear Blind Guardian wouldnt sell any records. Which is great news because I hate both. So lets hope that the market for fantasy games collapses than we can finally get rid of this awfull band

 

Nashville Pussy

YEEAAAAHHHH! Nashville Pussy Rullezzz!! Kick ass ROCK N RULLL MANN!! If you hear somebody say this you just know he is a poser and he doesn't know a thing about rockmusic. This is another one of those awfull and totally useless luckyrock bands that is hated by every real hardrocker but the big misguided rockmasses thinks that it's "real rock n roll". Fuck Of!. These guys aren't heavy rockers at all. They can wear as many beards, cowboyboots and confaderate flags as they want to they will still remain a bunch of teadrinking greenpeace punks. Ofcourse a lot of modern rockfans get fooled by this. If a band just sings about tits and ass then people automatically assume that its genuine heavy rock. They are like a charicature of hardrock but without the passion, the agression and attitude that belongs with that music. There is a stench of rotting eggs coming from the music of Nashville Pussy as if somebody is shitting over the music. It sounds so over exaggeratedly filfthy and vulgair thats not how heavy metal is supposed to be. Actually a lot of old rockbands sounded reasonably clean and ordered and were technically competent players who sometimes used synthesizers and acoustic instruments and occasionally had complex songs. But there is allways a lot of power and ernergy behind the music. Real hardrock bands like UFO, Judas Priest and Alice Cooper are 1000 times more rock n roll than Nerdville Pussy and all those other corny luckyrock acts.

 

Dream Theater

Dream Theater is the living proof that conservatory musicians dont belong in hardrock. Dream Theater has a reputation as an intelligent and thought-provoking band they do not deserve. There is nothing original or challenging about their music. They are in fact a very boring and predictable band. Typical overblown powermetal with uncool ringbeards that we should avoid like the plague. It's clear that DT doesnt have a clue what heavy metal is about. This is music that is supposed to be simple and rousing. Dream Theater's bombastic rockopera approach is at odds with this kind of music. The worst thing is when people start comparing them to Rush. Clearly the reasoning behind this is that Rush music sounds complex therefore it sounds like Dream Theater. This is a typical awfull example of the naive reasoning of metalfans because even though Rush's music is complicated they allways have an energetic and rambunctious feel that makes their music very exciting. The music of DT is just as dull as a mathematics class. The music of Rush is also very inventive with lots of unexpected and sudden tempochanges. Its as if DT makes music according to very strict procedures. It's like somebody programmed a computer to make metal music that has a lot of tempochanges and drumfills and voila out came Dream Theater. Songs like 'Smoke on the Water', 'Highway to Hell, and 'Heavy Metal Mania' may be very simple songs but they have a lot more impact than the entire output of Dream Theater. They should become session musicians for Mariah Carey or Celine Dion so that genuine rockers dont get exposed to their horrible music.   

 

Gamma Ray

OOOOOH NOOOO!! Not another Gamma Ray-cd! You know the feeling when a boring band is releasing another album with dull uninteresting music. Gamma Ray is the perfect example. Gamma Ray releases the same album each time but with a different frontcover. No wait the frontcover also  looks the same with that ugly looking pseudo-Egyptian mascot that is typical for the facelessness of the band. I can not believe that someone actually used that as their avatar on the forum of a classic rock website. I feel like hacking that GR mascot to pieces. Powermetalfans should not be allowed on a real hardrock website. Gamma Ray is a completely unneccesary band because it's the same music as Helloween. Kai Hansen (the most boring man on earth) used to play in that group and if he just stayed in there we wouldn't have to put up with GR's bland music. One Helloween is bad enough. But it gets worse. He has another band with basically the same members called 'Íron Saviour' and it's absolutely no different from Gamma Ray. A rip-of of a rip-of. What the hell is the point of this band. Normally when a band starts a side-project it's because they want to do something different from the regular band. A good example are acts like Whitesnake, Rainbow or Gillan who sound different from Deep Purple or UFO spin-off's like Michael Schenker Group or Waysted. Iron Saviour is just a waste of plastic, paper and ink that are needed for making a compact disc. They should expose the bandmembers to a high dosis of gamma radiation than we've got rid of them.

 

Kamelot

If you can still remember 'Stewart' of the 'Beavis And Butthead' series he allways wore a Winger T-shirt to show people that he is a dork. Rubbish ofcourse because Winger is a good band  but back then there were no wimpy bands so that probably come the closest. These days we have wuss bands in abundance in metal. If Stewart had lived nowadays who would have worn a Kamelot shirt. Kamelot is a perfect example of a geek-band with their smooth soulles rock-opera bullshit. Yet the metal-establishment wants you to believe this is a great band. They were even cd of the month in a magazine here in Holland. Something that is complicated and ambitious is ofcourse by definition good right? This is one of the biggest errors metalheads often make. Just because a band is complex and the musicians are virtuoso's does not mean they are automaticly original or innovative. The reviewers that write for magazines like Kerrang or Rockhard don't seem to understand that these whimsical fairytale-metal groups are boring and chiched and that all those bells, whistles and harps do not result in new interesting musical shapes but just sound overblown, tacky and artificial. Bands who play simple can not be groundbreaking after all even though that would sound a lot more refreshing than that cheesy powermetal stuff. I suppose bands like Holocaust or Bachman Turner Overdrive are not going to be cd of the month.

 

NOFX

The only thing worse than a punkband is a punkband that tries to be funny. NOFX, Propaghandi,  Blink 182, Offspring, Bloodhound Gang you just feel like shooting them all down. NOFX are the leaders of candid laughter rock with their irritating American humor. Each time I see one those cringeworthy titles of theirs it's like you can hear a laught track in the background. 'Never Trust A Hippie' huhuhu, 'I Heard They Suck Live' huhuhu, 'Punk In Drublic' huhuhu. This is all sung with that annoying Eric Cartman-voice of the singer. Punkgroups allways do everything as predictable and corny as possible if it's their use of humor or the way they sing about politics it is allways very obvious. Subtelty and depth are unknown concepts in the punk-world. A good example is the title 'Punk In Drublic'. The bandmembers clearly thought that swapping the first letters of the words in a title automaticly makes it funny. But the joke fails because the word 'drublic' does not mean anything. To make this joke work both words should have meant something. That is what happens when a band that has no sense of humor tries to be funny. A good example of a band that does do this right is the record 'Vulture Culture' by Alan Parsons Project. That is allready a great sounding songtitle but it is based on the word 'culture vulture'. Here the two first letters have also been swapped but the word 'vulture culture' really means something and hasn't just been done to sound funny. Another example is the song 'Guns'R Us' by Accept. This is based on Toys'R Us and the reason this is is because the band thought that you can get a gun so easily nowadays that it's like buying a loaf of bread in a supermarkt. This is really funny because the comparison works. And the strange thing as that neither Alan Parsons nor Accept are trying to be funny. Both titles are meant as serious and they are still very witty. That's something all those punkbands could learn from.

 

Iced Earth

I can allready see the steam coming out of the ears of all those dorky metalnerds with their Bart Simpson, Pikachu and My Little Pony avatars. "Oh can't that annoying Powermetal Sucks guy please stop" you can hear them think. Well sorry guys but this time it's Iced Earth's to time to receive my wrath. It remains suprising that such a faceless and shallow band can remain so popular. They are a powermetal Nickelback. Everybody hates them but somebody must like them because they sell enough records. But hey, if Kerrang or one of those other crappy magazines tells you that this music is cool all those metal-zombies completely believe it. "We have received orders to buy this cd" you can hear them think "so we must obey". So typical metal. Not being able to think for them selves. That is why shitty bands like Primal Fear, Trivium, Destroyer666 and Benedictum can get away with it each time. They were described by some imbecile back in the late 90s as authentic heavy metal that goes back to the early 80s before thrash became popular. Bollocks! Iced Earth is the textbook definition of pseudo-heavy metal and sounds nothing like Kiss, Savage, Pat Travers or Silver Mountain and all those other wonderfull bands. And just like all other other powermetal acts have been 100% influenced by speedmetal groups like Metallica and Flotsam & Jetsam. And they have even recorded an album with covers by AC/DC, Blue Oyster Cult, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. Complete heresy! Nobody that likes those bands is ever gonna by a record by Iced Earth. It just shows how deluded they are.

 

Marilyn Manson

If you have ever liked anything by this man than you have been duped. Everything about this guy is pure marketing without any musical substance. He probably thought to himself how can I make as much money from all those foolish generation X-rs. Just leave that to kitschmeister Marilyn Manson. His music sounds a bit like your eating a big pie filled with sqaushed spiders and cockroaches. It's totally repulsive. I do not understand the fuss that people in the late nineties made about him. The only shocking thing about him is that people paid so much attention to this nobody and that he confirmed peoples ignorant views about hardrock. He dared to say that heavy metal used to be very closeminded with strict rules about clothing and that it became more liberal in the nineties. Complete bollocks! Everyone who says this should be crucified. Liberal? Do you mean all those fat ugly looking tattoed morons with their boring dumpstore clothing who sing about satan, suicide, fairies and witches. I'll take good taste bands like Gary Moore, REO Speedwagon, Praying Mantis, Rush, Ratt with their broad subjectmatter and who all look different over that stupid metal crap anyday. What also annoys me enormously is when people compare him to Alice Cooper. The reasoning behing this is that Marilyn Manson is shocking and Alice Cooper used to be shocking therefore they are the same (typical irrational metal reasoning there). The big differance is that once the shockfactor of MM's music wears of their is no musical value left. Even if you do't care about Alice Cooper's shocking image you still got same great and original music left over. You sympathy with AC's shochrock approach because the older generation he was rebelling against was very conservative and needed some shaking up. Marilyn Manson on the other hand just makes you sympathize with the older generation. And most importantly their music is totally different from each other. The bandmembers of Bachman Turner Overdrive mayby mormons but musicly speaking they are perfectly comparable to Alice Cooper. Marilyn Manson's ugly metal music has got nothing to do with AC's good old rock n roll. So lets all forget this moron ever existed.

 

Jet

The song 'Nice Boys Don't Play Rock n Roll' by Rose Tattoo is probably inspired by bands like Jet. Their brand of rock sounds so well behaved and safe. When that song of theirs was often played in that vodafone advert ten years ago it just hurt year ears each time you heard it. Especially that gay-sounding metrosexual voice of him.  Are you gonnaaa bee my GIIIRRRLLLL!!!! Awfull! Nobody wants to be your girl with a wimpy voice like that. But good news Jet are a very innovative band they are the godfathers of chimpanseerock. With their unshaved faces and ugly looking sideburns they look just characters from 'Planet of the Apes'. They look like James Blunt or Supergrass and sound like that. With other words they sound nothing like rock n roll. Most surprising thing that people dared to compare them with AC/DC?! That's a criminal comparison. Scrape that horse-manure out of your ears. Corny H&M rock should never be mentioned in the same sentence as AC/DC's proud jockrock. Bands like Accept, Kix or Motley Crue are comparable to AC/DC. The NWOBHM bands sound like AC/DC. Jet just makes the same kind of trendrock that acts like Franz Ferdinand and Dandy Warholes make. People only say this because their Australian and they got two brothers in the band. This just shows how stupid most critics are and how dangerous these comparisons are. Lets hope this jet crashes down very soon.

 

Dragonforce

Monday morning 8:30 at the headquarters of Nuclear Blast
EXECUTIVE 1: Kids nowadays are all into stuff like World Of Warcraft and Warhammer Maybe we can earn some money from those losers?
EXE.2: Ofcourse you can and the best musical style for that is metal. They only sing about knights, unicorns, elves, dwarves and all that cheesy stuff.
EXE.1: Heavy metal fans? But I thought they hated all that fantasy-crap
and would rather play pool or chase the lady.
EXE.2: Don't be so naive. That is what hardrockers used to be like. But we have destroyed that kind of music long time ago in the name of the punk-loving rock-elite
EXE.1: O that's what you mean. I can't imagine fans of UFO, Styx or Bullet Boys playing those childish games.
EXE.2: Ofcourse not! That music makes you think to to much. To many songs about sex and hot chicks. That's to much of a threat for the wellbehaved 21st century feminist hipster society. No I'm talking about groups like Sonata Arctica, In Flames and Battleroar. That stupid stuff.
EXE.1: Oh help! Give me a paper bag a believe the hot dog and tomatosoup that I just ate are gonna come out now. I hate that stuff.
EXE.2: (laughs) Indeed. But it does bring in the cash.
EXE.1: That's true. What band do you have in mind?
EXE.2: That is a good question. There's enough of that garbage going around.
EXE.3: (suddenly jumps out of his chair) I've got the perfect band for you guys: DRAGONFORCE
EXE.2: YUCK!! That name sounds absolutly awfull. You know what you're in for when you hear that.
EXE.3: Exactly. That band is just as artificial, faceless and wimpy as that name would suggest. All the sharp edges that make heavy metal good music are taken of so we have an empty bland product we can sell to the ignorant metalherd.
EXE.1: Sounds like that's exactly what we're looking for. Make an appointment so that the contract can be signed as soon as possible.
EXE.2: I'll get it done.
EXE.3: Don't forget to add an extra pak of Magic cards to the new Dragonforce CD
and free Alchemy jewelry and a discount for the new Hobbit film
EXE.2: (winks) You get it
EXE.1: Okay guys no fooling about and get to work.

 

Fear Factory

The name Fear Factory is very appropriate. You should be affraid of this band. They are a danger to the good taste of the average hardrocker. In contrary to what people tell you they are totally doing nothing new. Maybe compared to all those moronic 90s metalgroups but compared to the hardrock of the past they are very predictable. I saw a program in the nineties probably Headbangers Ball (such an awfull program) and they were hyped up as this groundbreaking band because they used synthesizers had science fiction lyrics and he sang in a normal manner things heavy rock band never do. What!!! They use synthesizers! Blaspemy! They should be burnt at the stake. It is not like there are enough heavy metal acts who used keyboards.  Saga, Uriah Heep, Iron Maiden, Rush, Journey they all used synthesizers and a lot more creative than Fear Factory. Unbelievable all these music journalists. Do they think we're stupid enough to believe that. And singing in a normal voice is something all hardrock bands used to do. They probably only know growl-metal bands like Machine Head and Biohazard.  There are all these ignorant Paul Elliot types that write for metalmags. Sex, drugs, love and rock n roll are the most common topics in hardrock but they often also sung about more unusual subjectmatter. The dangers of technological  development and the threat they form to humanity is something rockgroups sang about. Accept's 'Metal Heart' or Rick Springfield's 'Human Touch' are examples of this and lots of songs of Rush. It's not that new they just didn't do it in such a depressing manner. Fear Factory has a scary 'matrix' approach to there music. It reminds me of the scene in the Matrix where Kuennu Reeves gets a little insect robot shoved in his ear. Not a very pleasant experience and that is how their music sounds like. The music of Fear Factory has an unpleasant mood to it as if your living of a computer simulation and not in the real world. This fits well with metal. A lot of metalbands have a cyborg feel to them that comes over as very cold and mechanical. Like you are getting plugged into the machine stripped away from your own identity. Which is symbolic for all subcultures that pop op. Goths, metalheads, punks they all behave the same you can not distinguish between any of them. The mainstream people they are rebelling against are actually more individualistic and also have better taste. The fact that acts like Rush, Ted Nugent of Foreigner are much bigger than metal rubbish like Fear Factory or Testament says enough

 

The Darkness

Discovering rockmusic is like peeling an onion. You have to go through layers of fake music to get to the real stuff. Often you get all these crappy bands presented as proper hardrock while they have absolutely nothing to do with that kind of music. Powermetal is a perfectly good example of this. A band like the Darkness is specially designed to give people the wrong idea that real rockmusic is back. So people can think "Oh cool genuine rockmusic has returned". But only ignorant Pitchfork journalists believe this. Nobody that really likes hardrock music takes a group like the Darkness serious. It is clear that a band like this is meant as misderection. They want you to believe that they are an alternative to fashionable hipster-rock but lo and behold they are 100% part of that music. It's just so annoying that people constantly fall for it. You can hear by the way he is singing that he doen't sound like any of those legendary singers with his out of tune wailing. I still do not know what he was going for with that but he sounds nothing likr Rob Halford or David Coverdale. He sounds more like the singer Dexys Midnight Runners. It is as if the myth that hardrock singers sing with a high voice has totally spired out of control and the result is Justin Hawkins. Proof that we must get rid of those stupid misconceptions once and for all. The fact that these guys were on the front of all the music papers is also a clear red flag. Proper heavy rock bands never get so much attention certainly not with their first album. It's clear they are just selling you a cat in the bag. Bands like AC/DC or Journey wern't featured on the frontcover of Rolling Stone or New Musical Express in their heyday. That was music for stupid rednecks. It looks like the rednecks know more about rock n roll than all those reviewers because they immediately know the Darkness is a pseudorock group. Justin Hawkins has the nerve to call themselves a 'cockrock' band with titles like 'Get Your Hands Of My Woman'. I can touch your woman and have sex with her with you standing there watching it and there is nothing mr Hawkins can do about it. Not cockrock but cocksucking-rock

 

Edguy/ Strapping Young Lad/ Porcupine Tree/ Amon Amarth

Ladies and gentlemen tonight we have a special guest for you... the ultimate nerdmetalband. STEELCONQUESTDRAGONWARRIOR!! We will introduce them to you. This dork over here on the keyboards with the my little pony t-shirt is Devin Townsend. Just wave to the camera Devin. The wimp on the guitar is Steven Wilson of Porcupine Tree. Dont clap your hands to loudly he is a bit shy. The guy with the uncool warwick basses is the bloke from Dream Theater. His name is ..uuhh. I've forgotten that band is so faceless. On drums we have the drummer of Amon Amarth dressed in typical metal attire of black bandshirt with skulls, black and white army pants and the obligatary thors hammer necklace. And on vocals none other then the untimate nerdmetal singer the one and only Tobias Semmet! This piece could also have had the title Tobias Semmet/Devin Townsend/Steven Wilson because their solo stuff doesnt sound different than what they playing with the bands they are in. This is particularly true for kitschmeister Tobias Semmet with all his unneccesery bands like Edguy or Avantasia that nobody is interested in. I have a huge aversion against all those overblown rockopera projects like Avantasia were they get a whole load singers gathered together to put some bullshit story on record. Ayreon, Epica and Aina are other examples of bands that make these pretensious abominations. This is at odds with the no-nosense mentality that heavy metal groups are known for. Can you imagine bands like Roadmaster, Battleaxe or Grand Funk Railroad doing something like that. Nope! Devin Townsend is the perfect example of the type of geeks that are running the world of hardrock today. The typical fastpaced Michael J. Fox dudes that ruled the rock scene back in the day are vanished without a trace. Now we have all these dorky losers that put warhammer dolls together or make iron man suits. Dont forget that he was part of that terrible Metalocalypse serie. Typically a project that is created to scare people away from heavy metal while hardrock is nothing like that. This kind of idiocy is living proof that nerds should be kicked out of heavy rock as soon as possible with Devin Townsend being the first example. On to the next Steelconquestdragonwarrior bandmember Steven Wilson. This guy is against Donald Trump so that's a clear warning sign. Somebody once said that if David Gilmour left Pink Floyd Steven Wilson must replace him. That must be a joke right. David Gilmour is a real jock. A man that knows how to perform his craft. If Steven Wilson would be on the same stage as Pink Floyd people would throw rotten eggs at him. Have you noticed that rockmusicians nowerdays are these introverted aloof types. On band photographs of Porcupine Tree they allways look so disintrested. That used to be very different. Bands back then all posed in a very enthousiastic way like they really enjoyed their music. If bands never smile on photographs you know that something is wrong. Just like Porcupine Tree. You cant depend on bands like that for rock n roll. To round this of we  have Amon Amarth. I often see metalheads walk around with a t-shirt of Amon Amarth and they look like a complete fool. You can just as well have a t-shirt of your local social workingplace. I hate bands that sing about vikings. I think bands that sing about vikings or norwegian legends should get fined. So terribly shallow. Another typical metal habit is windmill headbanging. Just watch the video of 'Cry Of The Black Birds' and laugh/ annoy yourself about it

 

Strokes/ Arcade Fire

Its time to pull a bunch of hipster rock bands through the dirt. Starting with the Strokes. The strokes are a typical example of spoilt brat-rock. These snotnosed kids financially backed up by the great wealth of their parents (dad is probably the owner of a modern art gallery mum works at a university teaching gender studies) try to very unconvincingly act tough with their fake-rock. The genuine rockfan is not fooled by this. It's a bit like the scene from 'Scott Pilgrim vs The World' when the band plays their dorkrock the girl at the end says 'wow thats so great'. Whats so great about that. Its complete wuss music. She reacts as if Mahogany Rush is playing there. The people of pitchfork have probably suplied the soundtrack. But a film like that isn't made for real musicfans. Just like Arcade Fire. This band looks ridiculous with their banjos and accordions. They look like extra's of the Sound of Music with their lederhosen and straw hats. You can just imagine the organic farm with vegan products with that. But all those exotic instruments don't add anything of value to the music. They have no identity of their own interchangable with all the other nerdrock groups. Its white bread music tasteless with little nutricious value. I think both the bandmembers as their fans are a bit like background characters in a videogame. Shallow people without a soul. Just look at photographs of Franz Ferdinand, the National, LCD Soundsystem. They all look like porcelain dolls. But the writers of Vice or NME will tell you that these bands are great. That the garagerock revolution of the early nullies wiped out NU metal and postgrunge and bands like Strokes, Hives and White Stripes brought back real rock. HA..HAHA...HAHAHAHAAAA!!! I laugh my ass of while reading this. Who do they think they are fooling. I never liked those fakegrunge acts like Nickelback or Creed. But songs like 'Arms Wide Open' by Creed or 'Kryptonite' by 3 Doors Down are still hundred times better than the schlocky songs of the strokes or interpol. Its a step downwards. And saying that pitchfork-rock is better than NU metal is like saying that death by guillotine is better than death by firing squad. Its both equally terrible. This is a typical example of how the media very artificially tries to create musical movements that give you the wrong idea that something interesting is happening while its the same thing repackaged as something new. You are getting this idea that there is a reaction against the current musical scene but thats just a ruse. In reality you're 100 percent part of the rock establishment if you like that kind of music. It is time to start a revolt against this type of music. All those Marie Antoinettes and Louis the Sixteenths should be kicked of their pedestal. Thats why im so glad that Donald Trump is the president of the United States. Its great to see that stupid smirk being wiped of their faces and that the genuine meanspirited nature comes out. All those hipster can act carefree or aloof all they like there as an almost demonic anger lurking under the supposedly calm surface. That rage can burst out at any moment and blow up in your face as an innocent bystander. Then you get these shady orginisations like Antifa or Black Lives Matter. Groups that cause more damage than that they help matters. So please go out and listen to real rockbands like Magnum, Spellbound, More or Ramjam. Thats music that is not like all that trendy crap. That really does rebel against the current musical climate

 

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Machine Head/ Biohazard/ Life Of Agony

Goodmorning listeners we have a special surprise for you today. K-tell has released a new compilation for you to enjoy. After the the best of 70s disco and greatest hits of house music we've got the best of nineties gorillametal. Pantera, Biohazard, Ministry, Machine Head, Life Of Agony they are all featured here.Just order your CD for ten dollars with your paypall account. This type of growlmetal is a complete nightmare for proper heavy rock fans. They have been disigned so that you think that hardrockers are styless badly dressed morons. That while heavy metal is actually fairly intelligent music. Bands like Sepultura and Mesjuggah allways get pushed forward to confirm that negative image. This ofcourse all sponsored by the Kerrang/Metal Hammer kartel. Machine Head is a clear example of how it should not be done. This is moronic hooligan music that refers to the primitive mentality of our prehistoric ancestors. The singer looks like he belongs to some sort of indiginous tribe with that nosering. He looks a bit like Vivian from the Young Ones. Not exactly Tom Cruise in Topgun. Biohazard is even worse. They sound like a bunch of cavemen that are bashing each heads in with clubs. Probably they are gangmembers that are part of the Bloods or the Crips.I cant understand that this riffraff gets invited to play at musicfestivals. Do orginisers of these events realise what they are booking at their shows. Now all the young kids are going to be exposed to this kind of unpleasant music. They could have being seeing bands like Triumph, Darkstar or Fastway that's a lot more positive sounding music. Dynamo Open Air is the highpoint or lowpoint of this kind of music. All the prominent gorillametal acts like Fear Factory, Biohazard, Dog Eat Dog etc. were present. What annoys me when bands like this play live the stage is filled with people who dont belong there. Lets all unite with the fans on stage in the name brotherhood. That is absolutely not allowed. The band and the fans should allways be strictly separated. The stage is meant only for the band the fans should stay in front of the crushbarriers. Can you imagine Loverboy inviting their fans on stage. They will immidiately kick of anybody that tries to enter the stage. Life Of Agony is another awfull band. But they are an innovative band. They are the inventors of sealionmetal. With his goofy howling vocals he sounds a bit like a sealion. Their lyrics are about suicide like you would expect of metalgroup. Be sure that its as depressing as possible. But the singer has changed sex to a woman then you know they are totally crazy. Please forget about these terrible bands.

 

Napalm Death/ Carcass/ Morbid Angel/ Boltthrower etc. etc.

In the catagory of complete unlistenable garbage music Napalm Death are one of the most prominant bands and they and similar creators of musical terror (Carcass, Morbid Angel, Boltthrower) have produced a lot of mindnumbing music that just gives heavy metal a stupid name. Deathmetal is just designed to confirm all those undeserved associations. You can see it at popfestivals where there is allways a band like that in the line-up. At first it may seem to the average concert visiter like very impressive or threatening music but after the hundreth time it starts to become predictable very fast at which point you can only laugh about it. You see the normal musicfan that likes Arcade Fire or Counting Crows watching a deathmetal group chuckling to themselves thinking 'what a bunch a pathetic losers'. You almost feel sorry them. Unfortunately some people think that hardrock bands are also like that. Bands like Trance, Skid Row or Bad Company must also be like that they may think. Reason enough to get rid of those bands as soon as possible. I also recomend you to stay away from the Earache label the headquaters of these bands. The stuff they release is complete shit. Typical childish music for dorks who waer beanies with skulls on them or who wear t-shirts with corny grim reapers. Perfect proof that small labels also release terrible music. Just like Nuclear Blast, Displeased, LMP or Osmose and other companys that releaes such drivel.

Ofcourse the guys of Napalm Death are 100% pure punkers who dont like hardrock. I saw an old interview from their earlly days that they thought heavy metal was such stupid because it was simple 4/4 music (as if deathmetal is such complex music) with those predictable G-A-D chord structures. I assume they are talking about groups like Saxon or Thin Lizzy who are clearly superior to all that metal shit. Its exactly because hardrock is such simple music it is very effective. Metalbands try to make their music complex even if there is no reason for it as if that makes the music better. The old heavy rock sounded unique because they wrote recognisable songs which gave the music character. The music that metalbands make consists out of anonymous riffs that are just randomly cobbled together with unneseccary double bass pounding that gives metal a bland vapid character. The expression 'less is more' is not in the dictionary of the average metalfan. When it comes to lyrical department Napalm Death are just as bad. They have those typical slogan-lyrics that you get with punkbands. Metal is ofcourse an ofshoot of punk. With those growling vocals you cant hear what they are singing about anyway. Sometimes you get ignorant fools that say "yes but they are singing about politics". As if simply singing about a certain subject is good enough. They dont care if the lyrics are well written.That the language used is sounds good that the sentences are well constructed that it rhymes or that it has coherance all things that are missing with Napalm Death. You can also sing about sex and it can still sound really good because the words sound right that its witty and sounds moving. Its like Napalm Death just throws a few sentences together adds a few political soundbites like 'mulinationals kill' or 'capatalism sucks' and think they have made good songlyrics. Its so obviously stupid. Just like with Carcass who can only sing about cutting up your limbs or eating your brides intestines. Wow metalbands really have such depth. Or like Boltthrower were armies of robots blow each other to pieces. Sigh! A good example of how it should be done right is Thin Lizzy. Just listen to the song 'Warrior'. The opening line 'Im a warrior i serve the death machine' just kicks right in. Phil Lynott in one sentence just sums up whats wrong about a lot of wars. In a straight forward manner. Napalm Death use a lot of tiresome sounding words as if they looked it up in a dictionary. That is a very bad way writing lyrics for your song.

Worst thing about all this that some critics condone a band like this. BBC-radio dj John Peel played them regularly on his show. That just shows he does not know anything about music. Which isnt surprising. He is a punk ambassador and they don't judge a band on musical values but on how anti establishment they are. He dislikes this band just as much as everyone else but because they have a song that lasts two seconds that is hugely sensational. Its a novelty just like liking a group because they shit on stage. Like those shows that think they are edgy because they have invited somebody that sings with a deathmetal growl while its actually very corny. Napalm Death has a lot of unneccesary side-projects. Carcass is an example of this. But also Defacation, Godflesh, Terrorizer( a joint project with fellow racket makers Morbid Angel) Cathedral(sounds nothing like music from the seventies) all acts that no one cares about. Like a Gamma Ray taken to the extreme. What is it that metalgroups and also punks have with side-projects. Its probably a subculture thing. Like organizing fesivals or putting up metal markets. Ofcourse all these brotherly activities are done in the name of completly awfull music. Lets all have a good time together making music thats sounds misarable. Just like all those idiotic substyles that are no different from each other. Do not let one of those metaldorks fool you when he enthousiasticly talks about things like grindcore, deathmetal, doommetal, blackmetal etc. it is the same music just repackeged differently each time. Watch out for that! They use these tricks to give you the false impression that metal is very varied music. What's obviously not the case. Everyone with an iq higher than that of a slipper animal knows that. Deathmetal fans are very political correct. They have made a cd called 'grindcore against donald trump'. It is to be expected that people that play such stupid music would be against such a great guy like him. They have been indoctrinated by the media and hating Donald Trump goes with that. Even if there is no good reason for it. He has each time approached the situation in a good manner wether its a conflict situation with another country, against foreigners that try to get into the country illegally or to bring the economy back or when we had the corona situation. He handles it very well. Anyone with a certain degree of common sense can see that. Unfortunately leftwing people do not have that. If Hillary Clinton had won the world would've been a mess. I am pretty sure that the US would have been in a complete lockdown during the corona event. But leftwing people base politics on emotional outbursts not on rational political reasoning

 

Pantera

Pantera used to be a very good hardrock band in the eighties. The first four records are definitely worth a listen. Unfortunately in the nineties they became a typical thug-metal band and they became the standard bearers of 90s gorillametal. They invented that terrible over compressed guitar sound that sounds like somebody is trying to drill a hole in your head with a pneumatic drill. Not a pleasant experience just like listening to the music of Pantera. I'd rather hear the lighter type of distortion that bands used to have in the 80s. Like on the first album of Ratt. Thats also the way you can hear the difference between a hardrock sound and a metal sound. If you use palmmute on a hardrock song it will have a more scraping sound like somebody is sawing a piece of wood. With metal on the other hand if you use a palmmute you will get a black hole heavy guitar sound like you are being squashed by a steamhammer. This musical onslaught just bludgeons the listener so much that it bacomes tiring. The music of Pantera therefore sounds very grooveless. The rockmusic of the past allways sounded very groovy. You only need to listen to Dokken and Aerosmith to understand that. Thats totally missing with metal which only made worse by that terrible double bass pummeling something that Vinnie Paul is a big fan of. Pantera is a typical hooligan band. Fans of Pantera look like they have escaped from the slammer with their bald heads, piercings, tattoos and army thousers cut of at the knees. You notice this with the lyrics and album covers of Pantera. Like the front cover of 'Vulgar Display of Power' where a guy gets punched in his face. A typical example childish metal stupidity. These guys can only sing about violence because they think that if they don't they want appear as tough guys. But the hardrock bands of the past proove that you do not need to sing about violence to sound tough. I think Pantera is a typical example of 'thicko toughness'. Something that is fairly common nowerdays not just in metal and hardcore but also in something like hiphop. You used to have a more 'stylish tough'. Men used to have a typical masculine assertiveness but they were also just normal guys that could came from a suburban background without neccesary being one of the homeboys. I think rockbands today look dirty and untidy. They come on stage with their dumpstore trousers that hang from their ass and their hair in a ponytail. Bands used to look respectable on stage. The sense of style that classic rock singers like Rob Halford or Billy Squire used to have is completely gone

 

Death/Nevermore

Time to grab your shotgun for some target practice. The hunting season on metalheads has begun. Our prey for today is Death and while we're at it lets add Nevermore to the list. You would expect that a band like Death would be completely despised by people but not only do people think they are good band but they consider Chuck Schuldiner is some kind of gifted visionary musician. Unbelievable (shakes head) all those metal guys. They are so easily fooled. It makes me laugh when people who are fan of this music act like intelectuals or say quasi deep sounding stuff. People like Devin Townsend who say stuff like 'as an agnostic i doubt religion' or start quoting frederik nietzsche. They are complete dumbo's who are not capable of distinguishing good music from totall trash. They are just trying to justify their bad taste. They dare to critisize top-40 music while deathmetal is just as bad. Metal and contemperary popmusic are just two manifestations of the same lack of musical understanding where the kids of today suffer from. Time to change that. What was also strange is the attention that Chuck Schuldiner got when he died. There were whole pages dedicated to his death were they gathered all these people to show their support. You may not like that he died but he is simply not well known enough to justify that kind of exposure. He isnt Freddy Mercury who got a huge tribute concert when he died and rightly so because he is a fantastic singer something you can not say about Chuck Schuldiner with his demented growling. Its just unfair that this talentless nobody gets more attention than somebody like Cozy Powell who only got a half page obituary. Even though his drumwork has had more influence on the development of rockmusic than all the deathmetal bands put together. But the Kerrang-Ozzfest-SXSW elite is run by devilhorn saluting metalheads not by genuine passionate rockfans with critical thinking skills.

Thats the only explanation why a completely talentless band like Nevermore can become populair. This is music for fat overweight metalheads with balding pony tails and sagging army pants who consider Kerrang as their bible. They think that an incredibly dull band like Nevermore is fantastic. Nevermore is a boring band for boring people who look boring. This is assembly line music without any passion and originality. You can see that with their frontcovers. Modern metal acts have grey blurry looking album covers with badly designed graphics. That scares of the potential buyer. Heavy rock front covers used to have such colourfull designs with interesting pictures on it. Just look at the albumcovers of  Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son' from Iron Maiden or 'Tarkus' from Emerson Lake & Palmer or 'Flick Of The Switch' from AC/DC. If you would see those records lying on the shelf you would notice them immediately especially between all the corny metal albumcovers with knights, rotting bodies and vikings. The singer of Nevermore has a very annoying high pitched screaming voice which fits the requirements to be powermetal band something the band doesnt stray of. Hey look he also has a nosering. He took a course at the fashion school of Vivian of the Young Ones. Something that is popular nowadays with metalheads. But metalfans are punks definately not hardrockers. I remember that they used to say that the guitarist of Nevermore is very good. As you would expect he plays in that soulles shred style that is no longer innovative anymore (just like Chuck Schuldiner). But what does it matter if you can play well of you make such ugly music. I think that guitarsolos dont belong in metal. They only play solo's because rockgroups used to play solos and thats just a leftover of that. But the music sounds so unmusical they can just as well leave them out. You will never remember such a metalguitarist in the way that you do know people like Randy Roads, Brian May or Mick Jones. What i also hate is when metalheads play hardrock guitars like BC Rich, Washburne or Jackson. Its just looks wrong when you see a guy with scruffy looking black clothing and beanies playing such flamboyant guitars that were meant for glamourous looking musicians from the eighties. That does not fit at all with all those clumsy guys with army pants and ringbeards. So let them build their own guitars or even better stop playing guitars all together then we will finally be rid of metal.