Metallica

Metallica is without a doubt the band that is responsible for the complete destruction of heavy metal. Everything that's bad about metal (pneumatic drill-guitars, double bass thumping, black clothing, evil lyrics, devilhornsalute)  is all caused by this shitband. Don't let anybody tell you that Metallica belongs in the same league of legendary hardrock bands like Deep Purple, AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Kiss, Black Sabbath or Judas Priest. Nerdtallica never had the real heavy metal spirit. They were allways a bunch of dorks just like their fans. Just look at bands like AC/DC, Iron Maiden or  Lynyrd Skynyrd they are still the longhaired rockers they were in the past. The guys of Metallica look just as nerdy as bands like Coldplay or REM. They just miss the authentic 'dude' feel that heavy metal used to have. It's rubbish when people say that the music they made in the eighties was good and that they became bad in the nineties. They were allways bad! Right from the moment when James Hetfield and Lars Ullrich decided to form a band they sucked. All albums they made from Kill em All to Death Magnetic were crap with a special honourable mention for the incredible overated 'Master Of Puppets'. Metallica changed HEAVY metal into 'metal'. The fun party feel of hardrock got turned into the doomy suïcide atmosphere of metal.

Metallica has ruïned the straight-forward rock n roll feel that heavy rock used to have and replaced it with an uneccessary complicated approach. I think Nerdtallica thought that the simple three chord approach that HM bands used to have was corny and outdated and that you have to cram as many tempochanges, drummfills and guitarriffs into a song as possible to make your music sound more "intelligent". In reality it only makes the music sound very pretentious and overblown and only emphesizes why complexity and difficult songstructres don't belong in hardrock. It's that simplicity that makes heavy metal so effective and actually much smarter than the bombastic approach that Nerdtallica has. It's clear that Metallica influenced all those powermetal bands because bands like Blind Guardian, Dream theater, After Forever and Kamelot all have that bombastic and overblown approach. Cliff Burton is one of the most overrated bassists. He is one of these metalpunks that gets angry when people say that punk sucks and will start a discussion about it while a real hardrocker would totally agree with you. His follow-up Jason Newsted is a complete dork. He is clearly the rolemodel for all those metalnerds that you got in the 90s. So lets forget this band and go back to the type heavy metal that was popular before metallica came along and ruined everything.

 

Slayer

SLAYER RULES!! Long live Slayer! Hell yeah! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT!!! Slayer is an awfull band. Unfortunately there are a lot of fools that like this band and shout the bullshit listed above. Metallica has allready ruïned heavy metal Slayer takes it a step further. Slayer is the band that is responsible for all that morbid, satanic en hatefull metalbullshit that's nowadays the order of the day but in the past (thankfully) didn't exist. If Metallica was the precursor to metal, Slayer is the precursor to extreme metal. Or with other words; A COMPLETE UNLISTENABLE RACKET! All those moronic bands that growl, shout or scream about satan, decomposing bodies, hell and demons over a discordent wall of noise and doublebass thumping that's all because of Slayer. Now we are all stuck with all these braindead bands like Morbid Angel, Napalm Death, Sepultura, Cradle Of Filfth etc. all because of the "soothing sounds" of Slayer Its completely baffeling that Reign In Blood (Slayers magnum opus HAHAHA!!) reached nr.21 in a top 100 best records of all time list in a recent poll they did in a Dutch magazine. This just shows how ignorant people are when it comes to music. That while great heavy rock groups like AC/DC, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden are not featured. Even Led Zeppelin who normally is allways in the top 100 wasnt in it. Its unbelievable that shit-record ended higher than Jimi Hendrix. This just shows how abysmal heavy metal is nowadays. They probably did that to please the hardrockers. I guess not because any real hardrocker absolutely dispises Slayer. Unfortunately they seem to be extinct nowadays. The people who voted for Slayer in that poll are probably full-flegged card-carrying members of the Dynamo-Aardschok-Roadrunner syndicate who probably hate real heavy metal bands like Accept, Rainbow, Tygers Of Pan Tang or Motley Crue even though those acts are much smarter, tougher and interesting than the joke Slayer.

 

Hammerfall

Hammerfall is the perfect example of everything that's wrong with powermetal. It's empty, braindead, dorky, completely exchangeable and moronic sounding music. Hammerfall sounds just as faceless as that stupid knight thats on all their covers. The mascot of Hammerfall is not exactly an 'Eddie' or a 'Snaggletooth' and is completely interchangeable with all those other anonymous warriors or knights that are on the frontcovers of powermetal bands. But the most important thing is that Hammerfall has nothing and I mean nothing to do with genuine heavy metal. It's actually more anti-heavy metal. This band is totally at odds with everything that hardrock stands for. If you want to start a real hardrock band just avoid everything that Hammerfall does. Whats not very difficult because Hammerfall's music is very limited (just like all those other nerdmetal bands) and it's very easy not to have fairytale lyrics, high pitched faggot vocals, double bass thumping and emotionless compressed guitar sounds. If you leave out all these things you are allready on your way to becoming a proper heavy rock band. Ofcourse the rock-establishment doesn't want you to know that. The kind of people who write for a website like pitchfork or a magazine like NME want to give you the impression that heavy metal is stupid music and that only dorks like it. Hammerfall is ofcouse a perfect example of that. A soulless product that has been manufactured to appeal to the stupid metalcattle. Thankfully real rockers can see that this is bullshit. The problem is that they have become extinct so that Hammerfall and all those other powermetal bands have free reign to spread their awfull music. All those apathic metalnerds wont resist that kind of crap. That's why its important to tell people that there is nothing authentic about Hammerfal that they are just as modern as a piece of dogshit. Lets just hope that Hammerfall just falls from a cliff with their touringbus so that we are finally rid of them.

 

Sepultura

Sepultura are the main practitioners of 90s gorillametal. Simplistic dumbo music for thugs with uncool tattoos and army pants that are cut-of at the knees. I think its very typical that Sepultura started using all kinds jungle sounds in their music. Because they sound like a bunch of cannibals who live somewhere deep in the jungle ready to put some innocent civilians in a boiling pot of water so they can be served for dinner. A bit like the film Cannibal Holocaust a film that clearly has the Sepultura vibe. Its totally unbelievable that a band like this can become so popular. Its embarrising that a band like this gets presented as genuine heavy metal. Those guys of Sepultura dont know what that word means. I have the idea that this band has only been pushed to show that the third world also has hardrock bands not because the music they make is so special. Which only proves that playing heavy rock is something that should be left to western bands and that they should stick to carnival music in Brazil because heavy metal is something they know nothing about. The image of Sepultura is the absolute epitome of bad taste. Dreadlocks, tattoos, piercings, cut-of wide trousers and army clothing. YACH! Not exactly Don Johnson

What I dont understand is that this terrible music was played on the radio. When people rightly complained about it and said it was complete rubbish you had these morons who said that was a closeminded and unprofessional reaction. Unprofessional?!! Calling an awfull band like Sepultura complete rubbish is the high point of being professional. Pointing out that Sepultura is a terrible group is exactly what good jounalism is about. People must be aware that Sepultura and all that other NU-metal crap are shit so that they know to avoid them. But unfortunately critical thought doesnt fit into the apathic attitude that a lot of rock critics have. Politely accepting everything people tell you and shutting your mouth is the motto of the rock-elite. What I also find completely unbelievable is that people thought it was a bad thing when Max Cavalera left Sepultura to make his own version of kingkong-metal with Soulfly. A bad thing?! Max Cavelera leaving Sepultura is one of the best things that happened in rock-history. I knew that would mean the end of the band. Hurray! Glad we got rid of them. Thats a bit like James Hetfield leaving Metallica that would also mean the end of that band(unfortunately that hasnt happened yet). Max Cavelera is just one of the most faceless singers there is no different than any of those other growling metalsingers. So please stop, fuck off and never come back again.

 

White Stripes

The White Stripes are the ultimate example of everything thats wrong with modern-day hipsterrock. This is without a doubt one the most stupid, braindead bands there is. Dont be fooled by all those fake-rockers. This band isnt about musical passion or having a good time. Its all just about following fashion being trendy and hip and ofcourse earning a lot of money of all these fools that believe this band is good. Whats even worse is that the rock-elite is wants us to believe that this group makes gritty, visceral music that goes back to the essence of rock n roll. You must be kidding! That word should never be used to describe the White Stripes. All those dorks with their curly haircuts and trendy i-phones who think this is rough music should listen to the record Power Games by Jaguar or the fourth album by Head East then they will know what real rock n roll sounds like. But those losers wont listen to music thats not in their shallow i-tunes lists. They only like music that fits into a fashionable and trendy format. Better watch out or youll maybe start listening to good music and you will pose a threat to the establishment who is trying to keep this kind of phoney music in its place. The ignorant rock-cattle just follow the instructions they have been given. So please avoid this dogturd of a band and start listening to real rockacts like Vengeance, Uriah Heep, Running Wild or Aerosmith than you will get the urge to use your White Stripes cd as a frisbee.

 

Blind Gaurdian

Ladies and gentlemen do you have your warhammer doll with you, have you got your Alchemy jewelry pinned on and your knights costume that you bought at your local fantasy fair? Then lets get ready for the ultimate fairytale-metal band. The band thats responsible for all those shitty powermetal acts everybody hates. This is music that gives every real hardrocker homicidal tendencies. The music of Blind Nerdian just sounds so empty and artificial. If you would hear this music on the radio you would just want to smash it up with a hammer something they should also do with the bandmembers. Its unbelievable that such rowdy, honoust and passionate music like heavy metal used to be is replaced by such bland and whimsical drivel like Blind Guardian. But nobody really likes this music. Its pure commercial music aimed at all those naive losers that go to nerdshops to paint World Of Warcraft dolls. There has been marketing research and people have discovered that there are a big group of people who play Dungeons And Dragons or Magic cardgames and that there is a niche they can completely exploit. Blind Guardian has been specially designed for those dorks. Im sure if all those r.p.g. games would disappear Blind Guardian wouldnt sell any records. Which is great news because I hate both. So lets hope that the market for fantasy games collapses than we can finally get rid of this awfull band

 

Nashville Pussy

YEEAAAAHHHH! Nashville Pussy Rullezzz!! Kick ass ROCK N RULLL MANN!! If you hear somebody say this you just know he is a poser and he doesn't know a thing about rockmusic. This is another one of those awfull and totally useless luckyrock bands that is hated by every real hardrocker but the big misguided rockmasses thinks that it's "real rock n roll". Fuck Of!. These guys aren't heavy rockers at all. They can wear as many beards, cowboyboots and confaderate flags as they want to they will still remain a bunch of teadrinking greenpeace punks. Ofcourse a lot of modern rockfans get fooled by this. If a band just sings about tits and ass then people automatically assume that its genuine heavy rock. They are like a charicature of hardrock but without the passion, the agression and attitude that belongs with that music. There is a stench of rotting eggs coming from the music of Nashville Pussy as if somebody is shitting over the music. It sounds so over exaggeratedly filfthy and vulgair thats not how heavy metal is supposed to be. Actually a lot of old rockbands sounded reasonably clean and ordered and were technically competent players who sometimes used synthesizers and acoustic instruments and occasionally had complex songs. But there is allways a lot of power and ernergy behind the music. Real hardrock bands like UFO, Judas Priest and Alice Cooper are 1000 times more rock n roll than Nerdville Pussy and all those other corny luckyrock acts.

 

Dream Theater

Dream Theater is the living proof that conservatory musicians dont belong in hardrock. Dream Theater has a reputation as an intelligent and thought-provoking band they do not deserve. There is nothing original or challenging about their music. They are in fact a very boring and predictable band. Typical overblown powermetal with uncool ringbeards that we should avoid like the plague. It's clear that DT doesnt have a clue what heavy metal is about. This is music that is supposed to be simple and rousing. Dream Theater's bombastic rockopera approach is at odds with this kind of music. The worst thing is when people start comparing them to Rush. Clearly the reasoning behind this is that Rush music sounds complex therefore it sounds like Dream Theater. This is a typical awfull example of the naive reasoning of metalfans because even though Rush's music is complicated they allways have an energetic and rambunctious feel that makes their music very exciting. The music of DT is just as dull as a mathematics class. The music of Rush is also very inventive with lots of unexpected and sudden tempochanges. Its as if DT makes music according to very strict procedures. It's like somebody programmed a computer to make metal music that has a lot of tempochanges and drumfills and voila out came Dream Theater. Songs like 'Smoke on the Water', 'Highway to Hell, and 'Heavy Metal Mania' may be very simple songs but they have a lot more impact than the entire output of Dream Theater. They should become session musicians for Mariah Carey or Celine Dion so that genuine rockers dont get exposed to their horrible music.   

 

Gamma Ray

OOOOOH NOOOO!! Not another Gamma Ray-cd! You know the feeling when a boring band is releasing another album with dull uninteresting music. Gamma Ray is the perfect example. Gamma Ray releases the same album each time but with a different frontcover. No wait the frontcover also  looks the same with that ugly looking pseudo-Egyptian mascot that is typical for the facelessness of the band. I can not believe that someone actually used that as their avatar on the forum of a classic rock website. I feel like hacking that GR mascot to pieces. Powermetalfans should not be allowed on a real hardrock website. Gamma Ray is a completely unneccesary band because it's the same music as Helloween. Kai Hansen (the most boring man on earth) used to play in that group and if he just stayed in there we wouldn't have to put up with GR's bland music. One Helloween is bad enough. But it gets worse. He has another band with basically the same members called 'Íron Saviour' and it's absolutely no different from Gamma Ray. A rip-of of a rip-of. What the hell is the point of this band. Normally when a band starts a side-project it's because they want to do something different from the regular band. A good example are acts like Whitesnake, Rainbow or Gillan who sound different from Deep Purple or UFO spin-off's like Michael Schenker Group or Waysted. Iron Saviour is just a waste of plastic, paper and ink that are needed for making a compact disc. They should expose the bandmembers to a high dosis of gamma radiation than we've got rid of them.

 

Kamelot

If you can still remember 'Stewart' of the 'Beavis And Butthead' series he allways wore a Winger T-shirt to show people that he is a dork. Rubbish ofcourse because Winger is a good band  but back then there were no wimpy bands so that probably come the closest. These days we have wuss bands in abundance in metal. If Stewart had lived nowadays who would have worn a Kamelot shirt. Kamelot is a perfect example of a geek-band with their smooth soulles rock-opera bullshit. Yet the metal-establishment wants you to believe this is a great band. They were even cd of the month in a magazine here in Holland. Something that is complicated and ambitious is ofcourse by definition good right? This is one of the biggest errors metalheads often make. Just because a band is complex and the musicians are virtuoso's does not mean they are automaticly original or innovative. The reviewers that write for magazines like Kerrang or Rockhard don't seem to understand that these whimsical fairytale-metal groups are boring and chiched and that all those bells, whistles and harps do not result in new interesting musical shapes but just sound overblown, tacky and artificial. Bands who play simple can not be groundbreaking after all even though that would sound a lot more refreshing than that cheesy powermetal stuff. I suppose bands like Holocaust or Bachman Turner Overdrive are not going to be cd of the month.

 

NOFX

The only thing worse than a punkband is a punkband that tries to be funny. NOFX, Propaghandi,  Blink 182, Offspring, Bloodhound Gang you just feel like shooting them all down. NOFX are the leaders of candid laughter rock with their irritating American humor. Each time I see one those cringeworthy titles of theirs it's like you can hear a laught track in the background. 'Never Trust A Hippie' huhuhu, 'I Heard They Suck Live' huhuhu, 'Punk In Drublic' huhuhu. This is all sung with that annoying Eric Cartman-voice of the singer. Punkgroups allways do everything as predictable and corny as possible if it's their use of humor or the way they sing about politics it is allways very obvious. Subtelty and depth are unknown concepts in the punk-world. A good example is the title 'Punk In Drublic'. The bandmembers clearly thought that swapping the first letters of the words in a title automaticly makes it funny. But the joke fails because the word 'drublic' does not mean anything. To make this joke work both words should have meant something. That is what happens when a band that has no sense of humor tries to be funny. A good example of a band that does do this right is the record 'Vulture Culture' by Alan Parsons Project. That is allready a great sounding songtitle but it is based on the word 'culture vulture'. Here the two first letters have also been swapped but the word 'vulture culture' really means something and hasn't just been done to sound funny. Another example is the song 'Guns'R Us' by Accept. This is based on Toys'R Us and the reason this is is because the band thought that you can get a gun so easily nowadays that it's like buying a loaf of bread in a supermarkt. This is really funny because the comparison works. And the strange thing as that neither Alan Parsons nor Accept are trying to be funny. Both titles are meant as serious and they are still very witty. That's something all those punkbands could learn from.

 

Iced Earth

I can allready see the steam coming out of the ears of all those dorky metalnerds with their Bart Simpson, Pikachu and My Little Pony avatars. "Oh can't that annoying Powermetal Sucks guy please stop" you can hear them think. Well sorry guys but this time it's Iced Earth's to time to receive my wrath. It remains suprising that such a faceless and shallow band can remain so popular. They are a powermetal Nickelback. Everybody hates them but somebody must like them because they sell enough records. But hey, if Kerrang or one of those other crappy magazines tells you that this music is cool all those metal-zombies completely believe it. "We have received orders to buy this cd" you can hear them think "so we must obey". So typical metal. Not being able to think for them selves. That is why shitty bands like Primal Fear, Trivium, Destroyer666 and Benedictum can get away with it each time. They were described by some imbecile back in the late 90s as authentic heavy metal that goes back to the early 80s before thrash became popular. Bollocks! Iced Earth is the textbook definition of pseudo-heavy metal and sounds nothing like Kiss, Savage, Pat Travers or Silver Mountain and all those other wonderfull bands. And just like all other other powermetal acts have been 100% influenced by speedmetal groups like Metallica and Flotsam & Jetsam. And they have even recorded an album with covers by AC/DC, Blue Oyster Cult, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. Complete heresy! Nobody that likes those bands is ever gonna by a record by Iced Earth. It just shows how deluded they are.

 

Marilyn Manson

If you have ever liked anything by this man than you have been duped. Everything about this guy is pure marketing without any musical substance. He probably thought to himself how can I make as much money from all those foolish generation X-rs. Just leave that to kitschmeister Marilyn Manson. His music sounds a bit like your eating a big pie filled with sqaushed spiders and cockroaches. It's totally repulsive. I do not understand the fuss that people in the late nineties made about him. The only shocking thing about him is that people paid so much attention to this nobody and that he confirmed peoples ignorant views about hardrock. He dared to say that heavy metal used to be very closeminded with strict rules about clothing and that it became more liberal in the nineties. Complete bollocks! Everyone who says this should be crucified. Liberal? Do you mean all those fat ugly looking tattoed morons with their boring dumpstore clothing who sing about satan, suicide, fairies and witches. I'll take good taste bands like Gary Moore, REO Speedwagon, Praying Mantis, Rush, Ratt with their broad subjectmatter and who all look different over that stupid metal crap anyday. What also annoys me enormously is when people compare him to Alice Cooper. The reasoning behing this is that Marilyn Manson is shocking and Alice Cooper used to be shocking therefore they are the same (typical irrational metal reasoning there). The big differance is that once the shockfactor of MM's music wears of their is no musical value left. Even if you do't care about Alice Cooper's shocking image you still got same great and original music left over. You sympathy with AC's shochrock approach because the older generation he was rebelling against was very conservative and needed some shaking up. Marilyn Manson on the other hand just makes you sympathize with the older generation. And most importantly their music is totally different from each other. The bandmembers of Bachman Turner Overdrive mayby mormons but musicly speaking they are perfectly comparable to Alice Cooper. Marilyn Manson's ugly metal music has got nothing to do with AC's good old rock n roll. So lets all forget this moron ever existed.

 

Jet

The song 'Nice Boys Don't Play Rock n Roll' by Rose Tattoo is probably inspired by bands like Jet. Their brand of rock sounds so well behaved and safe. When that song of theirs was often played in that vodafone advert ten years ago it just hurt year ears each time you heard it. Especially that gay-sounding metrosexual voice of him.  Are you gonnaaa bee my GIIIRRRLLLL!!!! Awfull! Nobody wants to be your girl with a wimpy voice like that. But good news Jet are a very innovative band they are the godfathers of chimpanseerock. With their unshaved faces and ugly looking sideburns they look just characters from 'Planet of the Apes'. They look like James Blunt or Supergrass and sound like that. With other words they sound nothing like rock n roll. Most surprising thing that people dared to compare them with AC/DC?! That's a criminal comparison. Scrape that horse-manure out of your ears. Corny H&M rock should never be mentioned in the same sentence as AC/DC's proud jockrock. Bands like Accept, Kix or Motley Crue are comparable to AC/DC. The NWOBHM bands sound like AC/DC. Jet just makes the same kind of trendrock that acts like Franz Ferdinand and Dandy Warholes make. People only say this because their Australian and they got two brothers in the band. This just shows how stupid most critics are and how dangerous these comparisons are. Lets hope this jet crashes down very soon.

 

Dragonforce

Monday morning 8:30 at the headquarters of Nuclear Blast
EXECUTIVE 1: Kids nowadays are all into stuff like World Of Warcraft and Warhammer Maybe we can earn some money from those losers?
EXE.2: Ofcourse you can and the best musical style for that is metal. They only sing about knights, unicorns, elves, dwarves and all that cheesy stuff.
EXE.1: Heavy metal fans? But I thought they hated all that fantasy-crap
and would rather play pool or chase the lady.
EXE.2: Don't be so naive. That is what hardrockers used to be like. But we have destroyed that kind of music long time ago in the name of the punk-loving rock-elite
EXE.1: O that's what you mean. I can't imagine fans of UFO, Styx or Bullet Boys playing those childish games.
EXE.2: Ofcourse not! That music makes you think to to much. To many songs about sex and hot chicks. That's to much of a threat for the wellbehaved 21st century feminist hipster society. No I'm talking about groups like Sonata Arctica, In Flames and Battleroar. That stupid stuff.
EXE.1: Oh help! Give me a paper bag a believe the hot dog and tomatosoup that I just ate are gonna come out now. I hate that stuff.
EXE.2: (laughs) Indeed. But it does bring in the cash.
EXE.1: That's true. What band do you have in mind?
EXE.2: That is a good question. There's enough of that garbage going around.
EXE.3: (suddenly jumps out of his chair) I've got the perfect band for you guys: DRAGONFORCE
EXE.2: YUCK!! That name sounds absolutly awfull. You know what you're in for when you hear that.
EXE.3: Exactly. That band is just as artificial, faceless and wimpy as that name would suggest. All the sharp edges that make heavy metal good music are taken of so we have an empty bland product we can sell to the ignorant metalherd.
EXE.1: Sounds like that's exactly what we're looking for. Make an appointment so that the contract can be signed as soon as possible.
EXE.2: I'll get it done.
EXE.3: Don't forget to add an extra pak of Magic cards to the new Dragonforce CD
and free Alchemy jewelry and a discount for the new Hobbit film
EXE.2: (winks) You get it
EXE.1: Okay guys no fooling about and get to work.